Tales of the Master #2:

In which the Master takes a hands-on approach.

Customer: Hey, I've got a problem. Are you listening to me? Are you even awake? Hello? I've got a problem.

Zen-Master Greg: One moment while I contemplate the infinite.

Customer: But you're playing tetris?

Zen-Master Greg: The ant looks, but it does not see. What is the nature of this so-called problem?

Customer: Look, I've got a problem, okay? Can you just come and help? Now?

Zen-Master Greg: Truly you may be said to have a problem. But I despair of solving it. Let us examine the symptoms.

Customer: See, it doesn't work. I type and nothing happens.

Zen-Master Greg: Truly a puzzling situation. Tell me, unlearned one, what does it say on the mystic screen?

Customer: It says "please insert the disk: Untitled". But what's wrong?

Zen-Master Greg: My son, have you chanced to remove a disk from the drive?

Customer: Yes.

Zen-Master Greg: And have you chosen to favour this disk with a name?

Customer: Um, no.

Zen-Master Greg: Let us then insert this disk, in the hope that the hunger of the computer may be satisfied.

Customer: Okay, if you say so. Hey, it works!

Zen-Master Greg: Truly, your comprehension is beyond understanding.

(5 minutes pass)

Customer: Hi, it's me again! Remember?

Zen-Master Greg: The memory is as a blade in my soul.

Customer: Can you come and help me? It's stopped working again.

Zen-Master Greg: And did it in any way indicate distress?

Customer: Well, it did say something on the screen.

Zen-Master Greg: Tell me, grasshopper, what it happens to say on the screen.

Customer: You know, the damn thing said the same as last time.

Zen-Master Greg: And did you insert the disk?

Customer: No. Should I try that?

Zen-Master Greg: The fool must be beaten with a stick, for an intelligent person the merest hint is sufficient.

Customer: Yeah, well. I'll try it anyway. Hey! It worked!

(5 more minutes go by)

Customer: Hey buddy?

Zen-Master Greg: It is a fool who walks unknowing over the abyss.

Customer: Look, cut the poetry. I've got a problem. Come and help.

Zen-Master Greg: You have followed the mystic rituals?

Customer: It just doesn't work. Fix it.

Zen-Master Greg: The ox complains not of its burden. Am I less than an ox?

Customer: See. Nothing I type comes up.

Zen-Master Greg: Truly a vexing problem. A most strenuous solution is called for. Let us perform the ritual of re-boot.

Customer: What's that?

Zen-Master Greg: Some things one may not know.

Customer: Hey, what's that whirring noise?

Zen-Master Greg: Tell me, my son. Did you try to fix the computer?

Customer: Yes.

Zen-Master Greg: And did you try to fix it by sating its hunger?

Customer: Yeah, so?

Zen-Master Greg: And was there not already a disk in the drive when you tried this?

Customer: Yeah, but that's what we did before.

Zen-Master Greg: One does not achieve enlightenment by copying the actions of the master.

Customer: Cut the crap. I'm working on something that's due in in an hour and the damn computers keep breaking down. Can you begin to do your job and make sure that nothing else goes wrong?

Zen-Master Greg: For the master, all things are possible.

Customer: Well do it then. God knows, we're paying enough for all of this crap. And for your salary.

Zen-Master Greg: I will prevent further problems.

Customer: Well about damn time! AAAARRRRGGGGHHHHH!

(sound of the Master drawing a hatchet from beneath his robes and chopping off the customer's hand at the wrist, then picking it up and stuffing it into the luser's mouth)


Zen-Master Greg: The problem will not recur.

*And the luser was enlightened*


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